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Friday, September 18, 2009

Ya Ever Get The Feeling You're Being Watched?

I'm not talking about that weird creepy feeling that someone is peering at you through binoculars from across the street. I'm talking about that feeling that can only come from God when He reminds you in that unmistakable way that not only does He see and hear you, but He cares enough to speak to you when you need it most.

For the past few days, I've been focused on a certain deep-rooted flaw in my personality. It's been very frustrating for me because I feel it has, and continues to hinder me from being my very best. It is also disrupting certain goals and dreams. So Thursday night, just before I went to bed, I checked my email. I subscribe to a bible verse-of-the-day service which sends me a new verse every night at 9:15. I don't know why that time, but who cares? The one I received last night spoke directly to the heart of what I'm dealing with.

At the risk of opening myself up too much here on ye olde world wide web, I guess I'll confess what it is that has plagued me virtually my entire life. I have insecurities and self esteem issues. I could tell you stories which would explain where they started and why it only got worse through the years, but that would only foster a victim mentality.

I don't want to be a victim.

I'm a grown man now, and it's high time to stop allowing things from my past to disrupt who I really am. In most situations, I'm perfectly fine. You might find me brushing off compliments with an "aww shucks" type of response. You might find that socially, I can sometimes be a bit more introverted than most. These things are not so unusual that you would think there is something bigger beneath the surface. But the fact is, there is much that the eye can't see.

So here I am, admitting it to you. Hi, I'm Corey, and I have self esteem issues. There, I said it. Now what? Well, this is where that emailed verse comes in. The truth is, there are many verses in the bible which touch on this topic, but probably none more than the one I got last night. It hits the nail on the head. Would you like me to share it with you? (*looking around, yes, I see that hand*). OK, here it is:

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. ~1 Timothy 1:6-7.

Gee Lord, You trying to tell me something? I've read and heard that verse a million times. I can quote it. But there is something particularly powerful about a word in season. This means something that comes at just the right moment, often from a very unlikely and unexpected source.

My email? Lord? Really?

Really.

God has blessed me with wonderful gifts. I don't say this with arrogance, though there are some folks close to me who wouldn't mind to see just a little arrogance come from me every now and then. But if I look in the mirror objectively, God has blessed me. I know in my heart that the things which hold me back are completely in my head. Some translations of the bible word the last line of this verse, "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind."

So with a sound mind, and a heart determined to to overcome the words, events and hurts from the past, I choose to "fan into flame the gift of God" which is in me. I choose not to be defined or controlled by fear, but by God's power, love and the many blessings He has given me.

I have been blessed by many of you with your wonderful comments and encouragement over the past couple weeks as you have read my posts. Maybe you can relate in some small way to what I'm saying here today, and maybe not. That's between you and God. If you'd like to contact me with your story or thoughts, I'd love to hear from you. We'll keep it between us.

Maybe, just maybe, God plopped that scripture on me last night not just for myself, but for you as well. If He can use email, He can use my blog!

And He can use you.

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